Friday, November 21, 2008

Wow this is a long one. Please dont read if you are sensitive.

Ok so I am trying this blogging thing. I heard it is supposed to good and help get your ideas out. I have had so much happen in my life in the past couple weeks. Too some and probably many it is nothing and no big deal. To me though, it is a huge deal. Many people think that you cant love someone at the age of 19 and 21. Well let me tell you that you can. We loved (and still love) each other very much.

This thing that happened to me has already changed my life in so many ways. I look at life very differently now. I am no longer looking towards the future, but I am living everyday as if it were my last. Now no one freak out and think that I am going to ruin my life and start doing terrible things. I understand that my life, overall, is very good. I have many things to be thankful for. I have a great place to live (even though I am not happy about it), I have great friends and family who are always there for me when I need them, I have a fantastic car that I become to love more and more each day, I have a great job (Its boring but it pays well and the people I work with are like a second family to me), I have the most amazing nieces in the world, they mean everything to me. There is so much more that I could list here of what I am thankful for but the list would go on and on.

I need to find myself. I really dont know who the "real" Jessica is. If anyone has any idea on how to do that, please let me know. I have never been who I wanted to be. I have always done and felt the way that people have wanted me to. I have always tried to be the good little child who doesnt get into trouble. Well I hate to tell everyone that is probably going to stop. I am no longer living the life that you want me to live. I will live the life that I want to live.

I start counseling on the 15th of December. Everyone keeps asking me why am I going to counseling? Everyone keeps thinking that I am going to counseling because of Christopher. Well to be completely honest, it has to do with Christopher. I am not saying that he forced me to go, because he never once asked me to go, and I am not saying that I am doing it in hopes of getting him back, I am doing it for me, but I would have never known that counseling would be good for me until I lost Christopher. I have never realized the way that I really act when I am in a tough situation. My family says that it isnt that bad and that I have reasons to be upset and act the way that I do, well I have news for you, the only reason you think its not that bad is because you have had to deal with it for so long that you are used to it.

Also, I am very sick of the way that some people try and make me "feel better". Some of my friends and family are very helpful to me in making my day brighter and happier, but there are some that just dont know how to do it. I am not upset with you because I understand that you are only trying to help, but in the long run, you are only making it worse. Just please, if I dont come to you for help, dont come to me to make me feel better. :( I feel terrible for saying that but its the truth.

That is enough blabbering today. Maybe someday I will get on and write again. :) :(